Survivors Are Not Alone.
We know that child sexual abuse cannot be prevented alone, and that is why we are so honored and humbled to work with our partners and survivor leaders. Throughout the month of April, I will be highlighting the work of Childhood USA partners and survivors who can share their experiences combatting the public health epidemic that is child sexual abuse and exploitation.
Today, we are highlighting Christopher Thomas, Founder of Project Beacon of Hope.
I am a spoken word artist, by default, I spend time spilling my guts to complete strangers — it’s completely cheaper than therapy and definitely more cathartic.
But sometimes, if I’m lucky enough, or unsure about what I’ve said, someone will come up to me after a show and tell me how I affected them. It sounds like “you were telling my story,” or sometimes it looks like somebody crying because they know exactly what I’m talking about. And afterward…
I get to go home
I get to pat myself on the back
I get to go back to being a regular human being
But I’m not…
Because here’s the thing:
I’m 1 out of 5. I’m 90%. I’m 80%.
1 out of 5 boys will be abused before age 18, the stats for girls are 1 in 3. 90% of those are familiar with their perpetrator. And 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as kids meet at least 1 criterion for a psychiatric disorder.
This means when you think about it, I’m statistically safer in a poetry venue full of strangers than as a kid in my own home.
My mother passed away unexpectedly when I was 10 years old. My older brother David and I were sent to live with one of our sisters, her husband and our two nieces. A traumatic thing as you can imagine — losing your mother. Especially at that age. One would think that something like that would pull the family closer together, making the bond stronger.
Instead, the first time I remember it happening, my sister beat me with an air pump.
I was 11.
Over the course of several years, there was verbal, mental, and physical abuse. Not just from my sister, but her husband and one of her friends. She essentially gave them permission.
My eye and lip were busted by a hairbrush. I had a plate broken over my head. My sister and her husband took turns beating me — in the name of teaching me how to fight. My brother-in-law held a shotgun to my face and threatened to shoot me and my sister’s friend molested me. But the absolute worst part was watching my sister and brother-in-law beat my brother.
David was autistic.
He was probably one of the happiest people I knew. I watch while they broke his nose and took his happiness away. He died of sepsis from ruptured bowels when I was 14. Even with all, I went through and all that I know now, I carried a lot of guilt for not protecting my brother.
That’s one of the side effects no one mentions much. The bruises…physical things that people can see, but that feeling — that helplessness, it manifests in other ways. Depression. Anger. Anxiety. A lot of self-harm or self-loathing. Or both.
By now you’re probably wondering, didn’t anyone notice?
The answer is yes, but part of the mechanism you develop to deal is you learn to lie, to hold things in, to do whatever you need to… to protect a secret that was never yours to begin with. I held all of that because I thought I was protecting myself, my brother, and my two nieces. I know now I wasn’t
But then…I turned 13 and everything changed. Two things happened…
- I realized I was gay. I met someone. He was wrong on a number of levels, but looking back on that relationship, I understood what it meant to have someone care. This is important when you think no one does and…
2. I hit a point where I didn’t care anymore. I hear the irony of this now. I get it. But this is part of that defense I was talking about earlier.
I hit a point where I didn’t care and more dangerous than that, I didn’t want to live. So, I drafted a suicide note. I cried through the whole thing.
I read it. I rewrote it and I cried.
Then I read it again. I rewrote it again. And I cried again.
And I did all those things over and over again. And something snapped. I had found a way to escape.
On a piece of paper, I was able to let it go, kill all my demons. I learned to do it every single time. Poets always say that poetry saves lives. That is the absolute truth. It saved me.
Poetry didn’t just save my life; it gave me power… the power to relate to what happened to me and the power to decide how to tell this story. Two-thirds of victims never tell. This means there is someone reading this who didn’t.
Poetry gave me the power to say this wasn’t my fault. This isn’t the easiest subject in the world to talk about. But now I had a way to talk about it, even if at the time I was the only one listening.
It took me a while, but I finally got the courage to tell my other sister what happened. By that time, my perpetrators were getting a divorce, and eventually I was able to find peace. I confronted her, held her accountable for what she did and for what she gave permission to happen to my brother and me. But so much damage had already been done. I lost my childhood. I lost myself for a while, BUT I found something too…my voice…through poetry.
I found my voice and I am determined to use it. For 11-year-old me, 13-year-old me. For David. For the stranger in that poetry venue that couldn’t. For those reading this who couldn’t.
This is why Project Beacon of hope means so much to me. It’s a voice, it’s a light, it’s a beacon! Because sometimes, if I’m lucky enough, when I’m unsure about what I’ve just said, someone will come up to me and tell me how I affected them. It sounds like “you were telling my story,” or sometimes it looks like somebody crying because they know exactly what I’m talking about. And afterward…
I get to go home
I get to pat yourself on the back
I get to save someone’s life.
Knowing I’ve helped them to realize, that your pain may know; but it has no power over you.
Christopher Thomas,
Founder of Project Beacon of Hope
Christopher Thomas is a spoken word artist and founder of Project Beacon of Hope, a community organization dedicated to helping those affected by child abuse and providing a safe space for healing in the DMV area. Project Beacon of Hope was founded in April 2014.
